Life in a Skinner Box: A Memoir [Chapter 7.10]

On my drive home I had to wonder…

From each event and relationship in my life prior to Jonah, I learned to appreciate something new about the human condition and acquire some new strength. Once I discovered Jonah’s amazing love, suddenly my whole life—all the pain, all the losses, all the lessons—made sense and felt worth it because they led me to him. I wanted so badly to believe that Jonah was going to love me and add to my life in ways I’d always searched for.

At first, I thought his creative, brilliant, loving brain was just making me up, creating this lovable version of me and all my “worlds.” But perhaps he didn’t create my worth so much as make it visible to me—something I’d never have been able to achieve on my own. My heart expanded in ways I never knew possible. I learned to forgive and accept and give in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I found out how flexible, patient, and understanding I could be. And I discovered how honest and brave I was, along with the honor that inherently exists in my words. So, I’m left transformed. I finally feel lovable. That’s the happy news.

The sad news is that I can’t honestly believe for a second that either of us will feel a love like that ever again. It required a deep mental connection and resonance so powerful we became vulnerable in ways necessary to fully open our hearts for the first time. The beauty we created together with our minds revealed our own souls to us. Our souls then turned physical pleasure into pure ecstasy. So the reality is that losing Jonah has left a painful void. My heart can’t stop loving him. My mind misses the synergy, and my body, well, it has become a stranger to me again.

 

At least I finally discovered my soul

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