Life in a Skinner Box: A Memoir [Chapter 7.5]

After one amazing night, when things got profoundly “cyber-physical” with Jonah, I felt more alive and incredible than I thought was possible. I truly felt pleasure in my body for the very first time. Just as my mind craved to be locked to his in dialogue, my heart ached for his heart, and now my body smoldered for his body. But the desire went way beyond that. Every time I thought of Jonah’s hands on me, the arousal spiked so strongly that I would find myself lightly panting. I felt love for every hair on his body, all ten million of them. If I was quiet, I could hear his heartbeat in the room with me. Love was overflowing, and when mixed with desire, it felt like ecstasy. What made it so powerful was that the experience was mutual.

Jonah said he woke up many mornings gasping with desire and an erection so fierce it made him physically double over. He said looking at a picture of my naked body was an almost “spiritual” experience for him. We both found ourselves waking in the middle of the night, in such lust for each other, that all we had to do was whisper each other’s names in the dark and we’d orgasm with utter rapture. As often as we could, when we knew everyone was finally asleep, we would connect in the dark for hours. With blurred vision and trembling hands, we entered into our secret ethereal place—where our souls felt comingled—and texted each other into orgasm after orgasm. Not once did I have to touch myself physically, and yet the orgasms flooded my entire body, from head to toe, for twenty minutes.

The trust between us was so implicit, so irrevocable, that we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable with each other absolutely. I felt so blanketed in Jonah’s love, my inner world so protected, I couldn’t help thinking I’d finally found the kind of unconditional love and acceptance I’d heard others describe they received from God. That was a love I had always searched for but had never been able to find. It was experiencing this love with Jonah that made the physical pleasure possible.

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